NEW YORK - Politicians from both sides of the aisle hailed "another glorious victory in the advance of capitalism" as they passed a bold government initiative which promises to eliminate the last hurdles to universal participation in the thriving American market experiment.

SWITZERLAND, Davos - Apple billionaire Steve Jobs announced a new direction Friday as he pledged hundreds of dollars in grants to develop design awareness among itinerant farmers in poor countries.

The move, the first foray into the spirit of generosity by the newly founded Steve and Steve Jobs Foundation, will help boost his image as a warm, giving and conscientious humanitarian.

AUSTIN, Texas - A Texan firm has secured a major contract to supply three hundred electric chairs to Iraq, it was revealed today.

At least one big winner has emerged from the confusion and controversy surrounding yesterday's elections: Diebold Corporation has earned clear majorities in 234 races across the country.

BEIJING, China - Cashed up and over populated China has purchased a large swathe of Siberia from Russia for an unspecified amount.

Buddhist Heaven is in dire financial straits. Financial analysts blame a culture of callous disregard for money within the organization.

After surprising the world by purchasing and moving the nation of New Zealand, Wacko Jacko is back to his old ways by suddenly reversing his decision and demanding a refund.