Everyone knows he's the richest geek in the world. We all wonder why someone with so much money cuts his own hair. We're intrigued by the recent donation of 50 billion dollars by Warren Buffet to Gate's foundation. And of course there are the persistent rumours that he is evil and bent on world domination from his secret volcano lair outside Seattle. Nikolai finds out the answers to all these questions and more in this candid interview with world's greatest philanthropist:

My first sight of Bill Gates is when a blindfold is removed and I realise I'm sitting in an office with an amazing view across the Pacific North West. A large leather chair swirls around, revealing Bill dressed in a dark brown suit, hair combed across his forehead, holding a very fluffy Persian cat.

Nikolai: Good morning Mr Gates. Thank you for agreeing to meet me.

Bill: Not at all Nikolai. It's a real honor to be interviewed by you. I enjoyed the piece you did with Jesus Christ.

Nikolai: Well thank you. I try to keep it relaxed and informal. Our weekend readers generally enjoy the interviews so we try to cater for their needs.

Bill: Absolutely. Mr Sugars thinks so too.

Nikolai: Sorry?

Bill: Huh?

Nikolai: What do you mean by Mr Sugars?

Bill: Oh... Mr Sugars... my partner... this cat here in my arms. His name is Mr Sugars.

Nikolai: Okay.

Bill: Say hello Mr Sugars.

Mr Sugars: Meow.

Nikolai: Hello Mr Sugars. Pleased to meet you.

Mr Sugars: Meow.

Bill: Very good, Mr Sugars. Now quiet now, Nikolai and I must talk... So Nikolai fire away with the questions.

Nikolai: Okay. Well firstly congratulations on your recent windfall.

Bill: Thank you. Yes I'm very happy about it. The North Koreans were not being particularly helpful, but my agents managed to confound their scientists and the Material Particulation Trimpbambobulation Accelerator should be on line shortly. Then everyone will be sorry they laughed at me phwoarhahaha!

Nikolai: Sorry?

Bill: What?

Nikolai: I don't have a clue as what you are talking about.

Bill: Oh... yes... nor do I actually... of course. Yes well, sorry about that. I was thinking about a dream... yes, a dream, that will do nicely... and well, no need to worry or publish anything I just said. That was just nonsense.

Nikolai: Okay. Well I was just congratulating you on the 50 billion dollars Warren Buffet gave you for your charity foundation.

Bill: Yes... charity... that's what it is.

Nikolai: Yes. It must be great to think how many unfortunate people you can help with that money.

Bill: Oh I shall help the unfortunate. Don't you worry about that. I will help them good and proper.

Nikolai: Wonderful.

Bill: Yes. We shall teach the world about misfortune, shalln't we Mr Sugars.

Mr Sugars: Meow.

Nikolai: Mr Buffet must respect you a lot.

Bill: Respect? Huh! What does anyone know of respect! We shall teach the world to respect us, Mr Sugars and I. Warren, well yes, it was very nice of him. I can be very persuasive at times. Yes... very persuasive indeed. Now shall we move on to another subject?

Nikolai: Sure... It is indeed a lovely view from your office.

Bill: Thank you.

Nikolai: Where exactly are we? I was blindfolded most of the journey here.

Bill: Yes... well... just some minor security precautions. Not that I don't trust you or anything, but you can't be too careful. You're in a volcano actually, east of Seattle.

Nikolai: Oh... so the rumours are true?

Bill: What rumours?

Nikolai: That you have a secret base inside a volcano.

Bill: Ah yes. Well clearly that seems to be the case. I like the volcano atmosphere and it has the space I need.

Nikolai: Why do you need the space?

Bill: Oh for completely legal reasons I can assure you.

Nikolai: Is it the headquarters for Microsoft?

Bill: No.

Nikolai: So what's it for then?

Bill: Not telling. But it's perfectly legal.

Nikolai: Okay. So you won't...

Bill: I think we should end this line of questioning. Mr Sugars does too.

Mr Sugars: Meow.

Nikolai: Oh okay... well... um ... I was...

Bill: Ask me about something else.

Nikolai: Umm... alright... your hair, everyone always remarks on your hair. You're so rich, why don't you just pay for a top hair dresser to fix it?

Bill: There's nothing wrong with my hair.

Nikolai: Oh... okay... well if you like it, that's all that matters I suppose.

Bill: Mr Sugars likes it too. Don't you Mr Sugars?

Mr Sugars: Meow.

Bill: Yes you do, you do, don't you my fluffy wuffy little evil feline friend you.

Mr Sugars: Meow.

Nikolai: Okay, well I don't want to interrupt something, but we need to move on with the interview.

Bill: Oh sure. Can I just say that the world may not like my haircut but they won't be laughing for long, no they won't!

Nikolai: What do you mean by that?

Bill: Nothing, nothing at all.

Nikolai: Alright, lets move on. I read recently that you had purchased a large section of the man-eating fish department of the Portland aquarium and transported the animals to an undisclosed location.

Bill: Oh, it's not undisclosed Nikolai. Not at all. They're all here. My beautiful piranhas, sharks and barracudas are all happily swimming beneath us as we speak.

Nikolai: Below us?

Bill: Yes Nikolai, below us. I'm sure I could arrange for you to have a close inspection of their quarters if you wish. A very close inspection hehehehe.

Nikolai: Sorry Mr Gates, but are you threatening me?

Bill: Of course not, whatever gave you that impression?

Nikolai: Your tone, and the maniacal laughter.

Bill: Ahh Mr Sugars, Nikolai thinks he's so smart, doesn't he, doesn't he, yes my pretty one, he does.

Mr Sugars: Meow.

Bill: I can assure you Nikolai that my tone did not contain any threat and, while my laughter may be maniacal, that's purely my natural way of expressing amusement.

Nikolai: Okay, well... um... perhaps we should end the interview now.

Bill: Really? I was just starting to enjoy it.

Nikolai: Well, there's a lot of stuff I've got to be doing, so I'd better be moving on.

Bill: Alright Nikolai. So when will this be published?

Nikolai: Probably Friday or Saturday.

Bill: I'll look forward to it. I really want the world to know that I only wish to bring kindness and goodness to everyone.

Nikolai: Yes... well I will try and show that.

Bill: Good. I just want to be liked. I want very much to be liked. Indeed I demand to be liked. The world will like me you know.

Nikolai: I'm sure they already like you.

Bill: Do you think? Can I be sure? Mr Sugars is not so certain of that, are you Mr Sugars?

Mr Sugars: Meow.

Bill: There, you see. Mr Sugars thinks I deserve greater respect.

Nikolai: Okay, well I don't want to argue with Mr Sugars.

Bill: No, you don't.

Nikolai: But I really must be going.

Bill: Okay, my henchman... I mean staff will show you out. Make sure you wear your blindfold.

Nikolai: I will. Goodbye.

Bill: Goodbye. Say bye to Nikolai Mr Sugars.

Mr Sugars: Meow.

Nikolai: Goodbye Mr Sugars.