The 'Da Vinci Code' opened in cinemas across the world this week to poor reviews from the critics and a lot of opening wallets from the brain dead masses.

I'm too cool to have ever read the book or seen the film (too popularist for my liking). However, as I am part of the liberal intelligentsia, a lack of concrete knowledge about a subject is not going to stop me from having a firm opinion about it, which I will share with anyone ready to listen or read the garbage I write.

Now, some see this film as a broadside against Christianity, besmirching the character of the religion's lead spokesman, Jesus Christ. (For alternative perspectives on Biblical matters, see Brainsnap's excerpts from the Gospel of Judas and our wonderful interview with Jesus himself).

As a card carrying leftie liberal, I of course like nothing better than a good side-swipe at the conservative edifices that surround Christianity, particularly the Vatican. It gets the laughs and it makes me feel superior and smug to think that I'm more intelligent than all those conservative morons who fall for such a con job.

However, the quandary I have in this case is that the Hollywood film industry is an even better target for side-swiping, with their popularist pap that polarises the world into black and white, good and evil, America and everyone else, all to the rousing beat of a sweeping soundtrack.

You see, I'd like to support the Christianity-bashing bandwagon of 'The Da Vinci Code,' but equally I'd like to bag the hell out of it - because it is Hollywood. I'm in a real bind.

Anyway, enough about my problems, let's discuss the film.

I have been reliably informed that it tries to lend credence by adopting a pseudo-Marxist ideoligical slant, as we all might when wanting to gain credence with other leftie liberals. But in typical Hollywood fashion, 'The Da Vinci Code' is just a lame attempt at a clever justification for a car chase.

Among the antagonists, the film features an albino version of Darth Maul, albeit with more identity issues (so I've been told). Also a cameo by Mona Lisa if my eyes don't deceive me.

From the previews, I see that Tom Hanks has the same earnest look on his face that he has had in every film since 'Big' (which incidentally was his only good film- apart from one or two scenes in 'Saving Private Ryan' and 'Philadelphia'). The only interesting thing about Tom is his hair cut which looks like something he did himself after a little too much cognac.

And as that's exhausted my knowledge of the film, I think I'll just waffle a bit about vaguely related stuff (my editor demanded one thousand words)...

I saw images of Ron Howard on the red carpet at Cannes. Doesn't he look old. What happened to the fresh faced kid from 'Happy Days' and 'American Graffiti'? No wonder he's behind the camera nowadays. At least he's got the consolation of being rich, so the women will still want him.

Ummmm.... Isn't the Catholic Church stupid. I mean all those white robes and celibacy and stuff... yeah you would really have to be a moron to fall for all that mumbo jumbo.

Okay... and Dan Brown, well he's crap. Just some popularist who's got rich by pandering to the masses with poor literature. What ever happened to Dostoyevsky and Stendhal and Hesse? Why don't Hollywood do blockbusters of their books, huh? Because they're money grubbing bastards, that's why! And the rest of the world is stupid and don't want to watch movies based on good literature.

It's a sad world... Must be almost at a thousand words...

And why don't more people appreciate foreign films. Not the crap that comes out of the UK and Australia these days, but good European and Asian stuff that you can only see late at night on public television. That German movie 'Downfall' about Hitler was pretty good. But did you see queues outside cinemas to see it? Of course not...

Everyone's stupid, except me and some of my friends.

In conclusion, 'The Da Vinci Code' is a movie based on the popular novel that you may or may not have read. Either way, you'll probably go see the film, then forget it a week later. In the scheme of things, with all the death and violence in the world, it doesn't really seem important. I give it three stars: ***.

I hope you're happy with this, editor, because I'm not writing any more...

Editor's note: Alright, Nikolai, you get to keep your job for another week. Don't say management doesn't have any compassion.

Related Brainsnap articles:
  Excerpts from the Gospel of Judas
  Brainsnap's Exclusive Interview with Jesus Christ