The president this week asked for revisions to the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA). After years of semi-secret violations of that and other legislation, the level of public exposure was becoming too embarrassing for even the Bush crew. Well, for most of them.

FISA requires intelligence agencies to get court approval before wiretapping domestic conversations, which has proven to be an unpopular restriction in some circles.

"&*%$ them and their &*%$-ing courts," declared Dick Cheney, clearly reinvigorated by his heart recharge over the weekend.

"If I wanted to, I could easily designate myself a member of the judicial branch, so this legislation is just a formality anyway," he said as he made his way through a horde of reporters with near-bionic strength.

Cheney recently revealed he was not subject to executive branch regulations or oversight because of his 'legislative role.' Widely regarded as the first cyborg VP for the 'pacemaker plus' implanted in his chest, Cheney could also go down in history as the first person to hold office in all three branches of government simultaneously - if he follows through on his threat. At any rate, the vice president's secretary says Cheney is on track for his fifth heart attack sometime next year.

In his weekly radio address President Bush said, "Congress needs to act immediately to pass this bill, so that our national-security professionals can close intelligence gaps and provide critical warning time for our country."

"What he means is that it would make this administration's actions look less illegal if Congress approved of them after the fact," explained press secretary Tony Snow.

"In fact, it would make the president look prescient and bold to have unilaterally initiated programs contravening established laws before Congress was aware of their need. There are a number of ways we could spin it."

The history of the legal matters in question is complicated. FISA came about in the '70s due to presidential exuberance in the use of intelligence agencies - prank calls to reporters' mothers and such. In addition, Congress passed a law in 2003 explicitly prohibiting data-mining on U.S. citizens, which appears to have happened regardless.

Then there are the current programs initiated by the president. First is the Terrorist Surveillance Program, which experts have concluded intercepts calls and email involving suspected bad guys, following a thorough examination of its title.

Then there is what Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has referred to as "the program that the president alluded to at some point but that I did not mention because if I did you might be able to figure out what I'm talking about," believed to be a data mining program run by the National Security Agency, which looks through giant databases of telecommunications companies holding records of billions of calls and email from millions of Americans and foreigners. It is generally regarded as innocuous with few legal and social implications.

Readers wanting a clearer explanation are advised to wait for the paperback edition summarizing the investigative reports, expected to be available in 40 to 50 years to all citizens 'of good standing.'