BOSTON, MA - MIT released a paper today revealing that people who try to dress as vampires only look as cool as an extra from Buffy the Vampire Slayer "in very rare circumstances."

The report diagnosed several symptoms of gothic confusion - from the fact that the color black doesn't suit overweight people, to the seductiveness of a death-like pallor.

"Sure, I kinda dig on girls who look like they're passing through the early stages of rigor mortis," said one research subject, who didn't wish to be named. "I try to ignore the fact that my attraction to white porcelain beauties has any connection to the effect of gravity pulling blood to the bottom of a recently deceased corpse."

According to long-term goth Peter Raporche of Illinois, bad manners and a deliberately morose attitude are not easy habits to acquire for any middle-class youth in the United States. "Maintaining cold, disaffected indifference and a sour expression at all times is - to my mind - a complex representation of my contempt for the whole socio-political milieu as a whole," Mr Raporche told Brainsnap. "It's designed to be all encompassing; therefore it does have some failings in certain situations."

Raporche, for one, has been asked not to attend family funerals.

"It's not really fair, no. It's discrimination. What - do they think I don't have the right outfit to wear? I mean - sheesh."

The MIT study found that maintaining contemptuous indifference to all things is associated with some health risks, notably heart-related. "Many of us start putting on weight from a diet of chili-cheese fries. I've put on forty pounds, plus I have to wear this stupid goatee."

Satan not doing much for worshippers

According to recent studies, people who situate themselves on the extreme-wing of Gothic movement and who indulge in semi-improvised Satanic rituals are finding themselves facing a run of bad luck.

Todd Earlman of California is one Satanic goth who is growing concerned about a few of his life decisions.

"I thought selling my soul would bring me some cool stuff. But so far it's meant having to hang out with other Satanists, which is a total drag. They all wear this faded black and have dirty hair. The worst thing is the damage it's done to my karma, which - as a firmly devout Satanist - I don't believe in by the way. I'm just using it as a placeholder idea until the Church of Satan explains why all this stupid crap keeps happening to me."

Satan's Press Secretary, Scott McClennen, denied recent rumors that Satan was being wilfully nasty to his follows. In an interview with Le Monde in 2003, Satan denounced his followers as 'religious wack-jobs', and complained that even he believed in God.