I know it is a bit of a cliche to rant about the awful consumerism and hypocrisy of the retail industry's biggest day of the year. However, I don't care. There's still a week until Christmas and frankly it's pissing me off! At the risk of being labeled a cynical, jaded, sanctimonious elitist here's my rant- the list is in no particular order:

Number one: I hate shopping malls in general, but at Christmas time they could conceivably be used as one of Condoleezza's torture camps for Al Qaeda operatives. In fact they probably are. Ten minutes inside one of them, listening to those cheesy, modernized Christmas carols (What the hell is Jingle Bell Rock?) is likely to test the sanity and ardor of even the most hardened fundamentalist Islamic militant.

And of course the crowds add to the horror. You cannot turn right or left without colliding with some frazzled fellow shopper who looks like an extra from "Dawn of the Dead' (I'm sure that metaphor/simile has been used before, but as I said I don't care about cliches). Something about the need to purchase a quota of gifts turns average citizens into mindless, lurching zombies. It's not natural. But I'll get back to gift buying shortly.

Number two: I hate being forced to associate with people I have nothing in common with and, for the most part, hate with a passion. The strange custom of spending time with family at Christmas must have been created by masochists. Or perhaps by people with families they actually like- do they exist? Normally I try to avoid the annual family get together, but every few years one is forced to submit themselves to this version of the Chinese Water Torture.

The cloying, false cheeriness and horrible, cheap gifts that pass around like a virus, mask the underlying distaste and political back stabbing. Only the young kids seem to enjoy the day, and they make sure that you can't even have peace and quiet by escaping to an uninhabited corner of whoever's house it is whose turn it is to host this awful, unholy celebration. Their raucous squealing and screaming and general hyperactivity ensure that your nerves stay nicely close to breaking point.

Number three: I hate gift giving. As I said earlier, it's not natural. It's a stupid transaction in which you always lose. As the family opens their gifts, each is silently evaluating whether your gift to them is worth less than their gift to you. Of course, even if someone actually spent a lot of money on you, it doesn't mean they got something you actually want or need. And when you add in all the time spent looking for gifts, you come in at a financial loss every time.

Why can't we all say to our "loved ones', "As a Christmas gift, I want you to save the time and mental energy of finding a present for me. Use the money for something you would like at a time most convenient to you." Now, that actually might be pleasant. So therefore if you actually did it, everyone would think you were a rude, cheap bastard who doesn't have the Christmas spirit.

Number four: I hate Christmas cards. They are the biggest waste of money and natural resources ever invented by humans. How many survive after New Year's Eve? Yet of course before Christmas, everyone gets so competitive about the process, purchasing and distributing them by the bag load. I never buy Christmas cards, so every year I experience awkward situations when people hand me a card and I give them nothing. Fortunately, most get the message once, and avoid me the year later. The most annoying people however, persist to thrust their unwanted, vile little pieces of cardboard at me year after year, making me feel more pathetic each time, until I drown in self loathing.

Number Five: I hate working during the Christmas season. Work is not my favorite place at any time of the year. But generally I can live with it. The people are okay, some you like, others you don't, but as long as you don't socialize too much with them you can get along fine. Unfortunately, at Christmas time everyone feels the need to "get together' and bond. We all know about the hideous Christmas office party, but even if you can avoid that, it's hard to escape the insidious little bonding activities that occur almost daily around Christmas time. And no matter how much tinsel and fake snow you use, you cannot make a cubicle look festive and cheery.

Number Six: I hate the denial and dishonesty of Christmas time. This ties to my last point, you can't make the dull, drab, purpose built office a cheery and warm place. So why try? Office design, furniture and equipment serve a purpose, and it has nothing to do with love and fellowship toward other people. It's there to allow you to work as hard as possible without distractions. Eleven months of the year, everyone accepts this and is resigned to their fate. But then suddenly for one month they emerge from their stupor to feebly attempt to inject color and warmth to the atmosphere. I guess this would be good thing, except that after December 25 it all starts to look a bit sad, and people drift sheepishly back to the holes they call cubicles, and some poor sap is told to clean up the mess. Those (like myself) who want to fast track themselves up the corporate ladder go back to back stabbing and undermining their colleagues. The rest accept once more that they're insignificant cogs in a great industrial round-a-bout whose only satisfaction is that one day they'll be dead.

Number Seven: I hate the selfishness of Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I'm as selfish as the average person, if not more so. And I often live in denial of my selfishness. However Christmas time is the ultimate selfish period of the year and everyone denies it. People will ram you to get a car park at a shopping mall. They push past you desperately seeking the last ham or toy. I was told by a police officer that this is actually the worst period for dangerous driving. People are in a rush and they don't care who else they hurt as long as they are okay. It's the selfish gene at its most virulent- everyone looking after their own family at the expense of everyone else. Yet we call it the season of good will.

Number Eight: Christmas decorations are so tacky. No one would ever stick a plastic blow up doll of a red fat man on the front lawn at any other time of the year.

Number Nine: What is the point of Santa Claus anyway? Is he a substitute for Jesus? Or is he just an excellent marketing tool for retailers? Whatever the case, if a big fat man tried to enter most peoples' houses in the middle of the night, half the population would blow him away with the shot gun they keep stashed under the bed for such purposes. The other half would lock their doors and ring 911. The point is- we tell our children constantly to beware of strangers and intruders, then for one month of the year we demand they go sit on some fat man's lap and accept his offer of candy and gifts. And when he breaks into our house we leave him cookies and milk. To be honest I don't really hate this aspect of Christmas, but I find it strange, that's all.

Number Ten: Finally, I hate sanctimonious, politically correct people like myself who cynically whine constantly about how Christmas is so consumer driven and everyone is selfish and the music is tacky etc etc. We seem to think we are the only ones who see the real truth behind the day.

However, you have to admit, it is Christmas day that brings us out of the woodwork (another cliche- oh dear). If it wasn't for Christmas, I wouldn't be writing this crap.

Actually, that's ten points and I haven't mentioned Christmas television specials that are repeated constantly, and cynical movies like "The Polar Express' that try to squeeze as much money as it can out of the movie going public, but preach messages like material gifts aren't important, it's love that counts. And I hate the exploitation of rein deer, and religious zealots trying to thrust theology at you when all you want to do is have a good time, and I hate... Actually probably best to end this rant here. I've got to write an article about the ten things I hate about New Years, and then ten things I hate about Easter, then ten things I hate about the fourth of July, then Christmas again. It just goes on and on.

[Editor's note: And to think I was going to buy you an iPod for Xmas. Oh well. -Comrade Che]