Brainsnap's Editor Nikolai gets an exclusive scoop to interview Jesus Christ, formerly Jesus of Nazareth and now a key member of the Holy Trinity.

As a young child living in the ghettos of the Australian quarter of Leningrad during the eighties I had very simple desires. Being Australian there was not easy. My friends and I would be laughed at openly in the streets by the Russian children. My long blonde hair, my tan, and the surf board I carried stood out like a watermelon in a goldfish bowl. I'd bring beer to elementary school, while all the other children had vodka.

I remember the baby kangaroo my uncle sent me from Sydney on Christmas. I loved that kangaroo, and it was my constant companion, until it was viciously torn apart by a polar bear. It was an outsider ill equipped to survive in a foreign land. And I felt the same way.

But then, as a teenager, fresh with revolutionary zeal, I obtained a position as mail boy at Brainsnap's Moscow bureau. Within a few years I was submitting articles. Then glories of glories! I was accepted on to the writing staff of that wonderful publication. My whole life was transformed. Suddenly I was jetting around the world, working in exotic locations, meeting extraordinary people.

And so, after such humble beginnings, you can imagine dear comrades how honored I felt when given my recent assignment- to interview perhaps the most famous, most powerful being there is. To travel to the wonders of heaven and sit with tape recorder in hand beside the golden throne speaking to none other than the son of God, savior of the human race, and all round nice guy- Jesus Christ.

The Interview:

Nikolai: Good morning Jesus. Or should I say good afternoon?

JC: Either Nikolai. It doesn't matter. Here in heaven it is neither day nor night, morning nor evening. The light of the Lord glows upon us eternally so that there are no demarcations which you call days, hours, minutes or seconds.

Nikolai: Okay, well great. That sounds really ... nice. Firstly, can I say Jesus that it is a marvelous honor for you to grant me this interview. Your press secretary, Peter, is a very difficult man to negotiate with.

JC: Yes, he is good. And I make no apologies for my exclusivity. I cannot be handing out interviews to just anyone, you know. Heaven is a mysterious place, and it's not really in our interest to allow mortals in here unless, of course, they're dead. I spent thirty-three years down there on Earth telling people about God and Heaven. And I said most of what had to be said back then and it was nearly all written down.

Nikolai: Ahh yes, in the Bible.

JC: Well yeah, some of the stuff I said ended up in there, but I was thinking more of the Jerusalem Post. I had a column in that publication for two years, so I had plenty of time to vent my thoughts. Have you ever read any of my articles?

Nikolai: No, sorry. I don't think much of it seems to have survived into the Twentieth- first Century.

JC: Really? Not even my article on Tiberius Caesar's relationship with snakes? That was pretty cutting stuff. And funny I might add. None of that survived?

Nikolai: No, sorry. We seem to just have stuff from the Bible.

JC: Oh well, that's life I suppose. It's always your throw-away comments that others tend to pick up on. Not the stuff which you spend hours carefully creating and constructing.

Nikolai: I know how you feel Jesus. But anyway, shall we move on?

JC: Sure, sure. No use harping on the past. I hope no one takes that Bible stuff too seriously though. A lot of stuff I did in there was after a lot of wine you know. It was a bit of a problem for me actually, the wine. I mean when you can turn water into it, well, it's a pretty good party trick. The problem is whenever you get a bit bored... well let's just say, there were a few times when I could have been more temperate.

Nikolai: Okay, well, I wouldn't worry too much. Only a few nut cakes take it totally seriously.

JC: No one too powerful I hope.

Nikolai: Well, actually, that leads into one of my planned questions. What are your views on George Bush?

JC: Who? George Bush? You mean Reagan's vice president?

Nikolai: No. I mean his son. The president of the United States.

JC: The president? Really? The son of George Bush? The guy who mucked around at Yale and wants to be a Texan? I remember him, a bit of a party boy. Nice enough fellow, in a spoiled, rich sort of a way. Is he really president now?

Nikolai: You don't know? I thought you were supposed to know everything.

JC: Well technically, I suppose. But you've got to remember there's three of us in the Holy Trinity. We work together, so as a group we do know everything. But me individually, well to tell the truth, I get a bit bored with the whole Earth thing. I tend to switch off, and before you know, a few decades have gone by. Now the Holy Spirit- he's the expert on world affairs. He's always down there whizzing about. He knows his stuff.

Nikolai: Okay. So the Trinity- how's that work?

JC: Oh, it's all a bit of a mystery. I don't get into all that theology stuff. Let's just say, God likes his gardening, I like to hang around heaven, make sure the place is functioning smoothly, play a little cards and snooker. The Holy Spirit tends to be the one down on Earth these days working hard, God bless him.

Nikolai: Umm... Alright... So as my questions mostly pertain to things going on down on Earth at the moment, you're probably not going to be able to answer them.

JC: Sorry about that. See if you can catch up with the Holy Spirit sometime. I think it would be an interesting interview. I wouldn't mind reading it.

Nikolai: So do you read Brainsnap?

JC: Of course, all the time, who doesn't? I loved that bit you did on the Islamic suicide bombers and the shortage of virgins. About time someone covered that little situation. That problem's been building for years over there. Why would you promise so many virgins for something so stupid? You're bound to attract idiots. But I was a little disappointed with you guys when you reported the pope wasn't happy with heaven.

Nikolai: Oh now, come on- that wasn't just us! I remember "The Onion' did a big cover story on it too.

JC: Yeah, but you were the guys to break it. To be honest, I think the Onion might have read your article and used it as the basis for theirs.

Nikolai: You think?

JC: Maybe. Anyway, as I was saying, I was disappointed to read your article about the pope. I mean, the guy had only been here a week or so. You didn't give him a chance to settle in. After you've lived somewhere like the Vatican for decades, it's always going to be a bit difficult adjusting to a new place.

Nikolai: So he's enjoying heaven now?

JC: He loves it! I was playing snooker with him the other day and he told me he was having the time of his life. I said to him, 'Don't party too hard Jean-Paul. Remember you've got the whole of eternity to go!' Ha Ha! We had a good laugh, we did. You know what the funniest thing is?

Nikolai: What?

JC: Guess who the third guy was whom we were playing snooker with.

Nikolai: Who?

JC: Guess.

Nikolai: I don't know, Genghis Khan?

JC: Genghis? No! We don't play with him, he's too good. No, it was Martin Luther.

Nikolai: The monk who rebelled against the Pope in the sixteenth century and started the reformation that split the Catholic Church?

JC: The very same man! Jean Paul and Martin get on like a house on fire. Now if that isn't a good advertisement of how heaven brings together humanity, I don't know what is.

Nikolai: Yes, unbelievable. Anyway, Jesus, I know you haven't been keeping up with the news on Earth lately, but you didn't happen to catch what Pat Robertson said about the Venezuelan president recently?

JC: Oh yes... actually... I remember the Holy Spirit going on about that the other day. He's pretty pissed off with the whole thing you know. He's working hard down there trying to bring peace and love to the world, and then suddenly some guy, who claims to be supported by us, goes out and says stuff like that. It's not the PR we need after all the stuff with the pope and such. The Holy Spirit has had it up to here with tele-evangelists. He's always whinging about what a bunch of money grubbing hypocrites most of them are. I stop listening to him when he starts up about them. To be honest, I couldn't tell one tele-evangelist from another. There's not many of them in heaven actually. Satan might have a better understanding of them. I can give you his number if you want it.

Nikolai: No thanks. I already have it. Shall we move on? I've read a recent report that states Conservative Americans think you're a bit of a wimp. What's your thoughts on that?

JC: Conservative Americans? Really? Well I don't know... To be honest I try to avoid conservative Americans. Why do they think I'm a wimp? Is it the earring?

Nikolai: Possibly. I don't think the beard and long hair helps. Makes you look like a hippy.

JC: Ha ha... Yeah, I suppose it does. Oh well, can't please everyone. I'm just a little too lazy to shave, and the hairdresser up here is always so busy. You have to book weeks in advance. And you don't always get quality. But I don't know why conservative Americans in particular should be calling me a wimp. I guess they've got some strange issues. Why don't they start supporting Allah then if they want someone tougher? He doesn't mind a bit of a biff at times.

Nikolai: They hate him actually.

JC: Well then, what a strange bunch of people. If you ask me, they're all freaks.

Nikolai: Okay, well, my final question is one that has plagued mankind for millenia. Jesus, what is the meaning of life?

JC: Geez, now we're getting heavy. I'd rather avoid giving any definitive answer to be honest. Look, have you ever read the Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy?

Nikolai: What, you're saying the meaning of life is forty-two?

JC: Perhaps... Could be... It's a good book.

Nikolai: They've made a movie out of it.

JC: Have they? Any good?

Nikolai: No I was a little disappointed with it.

JC: Yeah, well that's often the way. I'll have to hire it out sometime. Is it out on DVD yet?

Nikolai: I don't know.

JC: Well I'll check at the local DVD store. They're usually pretty good. Hopefully I won't be too disappointed with it. I was just chatting with Douglas Adams the other day, actually. I told him how much I liked the way he didn't care if he contradicted himself from book to book. I like that relaxed sort of approach. A bit like the Bible really... and your newspaper.

Nikolai: Sorry, I don't understand.

JC: Oh, you know. Your newspaper. One minute its all left wing stuff, then in the next article you're suddenly following some right wing line that sounds like its straight off Fox News.

Nikolai: Really? Well, we at Brainsnap strive to be as factual as possible... Now, Jesus, I can see that Peter's at the door and he's waving that we're almost out of time. Are there any words of wisdom for humanity that you would like to end on?

JC: No, not really. Perhaps I could just say, have a good time guys and remember to relax a little, and I guess I'll be seeing some of you in the not too distant future.

Nikolai: Cool... Well thanks Jesus. As I said before, it's been a real honor.

Jesus: Not a problem. Peter will show you the way out. Feel free to help yourself to the peanuts at the front desk.

Editors note: Nikolai, I specifically asked you to ask Him about the giraffes and you didn't.